Sorry, this isn't a post about a night at the Roxbury. I wanted to share some of my feelings about marriage. I've been mulling things over in my mind for a few weeks now for a couple of reasons. One, my wife found a religious blog post where the author basically debases marriage by making the wife a "moral prostitute." (Those are my words, not his). And two, some good friends of mine are in serious talks of divorce. I hate to see this happen (not that I place blame, it's just awful and heart-wrenching for all involved) and I wish I could talk with them without it being awkward. This has set me trying to figure out what marriage means to me as an institution and to me personally with my wife.
I believe that marriage is a God given institution in the purpose of helping us imperfect mortals to experience a myriad of emotions and situations in the hopes of bringing us closer to Him. Through marriage we learn love, sacrifice, forgiveness, humility, and service to name a few. Those are ones that stand out to me. We learn to put someone else above our self (not in all things or all the time, for the Apostle Paul said, "Be ye not unequally yoked." 2 Corinthians 6:14).
The leaders of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints wrote a one page statement on the importance of family. In there it defines roles for husband and wife, but not as containers to place them in, but as stewards with the necessary authority and responsibility to ensure those roles are filled. There are many times in my life where I have done things that are stereotypically a woman's job and I continue to do things that are "Mom's work." I change diapers, wash dishes, watch kids so my wife can get out of the house, etc. I do it because it needs done and because I love my wife. And my wife does things that a man would typically do. The point is we share the work and don't quibble about who should be doing what. If we see something needs done we do it or we politely ask for help. We make mistakes, drop the ball, frustrate each other and forgive in the process, too.
I like how my wife explained marriage. She said that marriage is the closest thing we can come to the love Jesus has for everyone. His love is true and complete for every individual. He was able to show devoted (undivided, attentive, and fully present) love for those he was with. My thoughts turn to Jesus weeping with Mary and Martha over the loss of their beloved Lazarus. But for us, our love is not perfect. Marriage allows us to love as Jesus loves, but to a much smaller audience, namely your spouse.
I think the challenge with marriage is managing expectations. People change, situations change and we all come from different family situations (where we learn about marriage, or one version of marriage) and this all adds to the complication. Because of this it is easy to become disillusioned and upset that marriage doesn't match up to your mind's eye. We need to learn to communicate truthfully without fear of judgement. Then we begin to understand one another and love in the way your spouse needs.
This requires patience and a willingness to make mistakes, be disappointed, and get upset. As we learn to work together, we appreciate one another and the effort you are making together. This is what I think makes a marriage beautiful and worthwhile.