Sorry, this isn't a post about a night at the Roxbury. I wanted to share some of my feelings about marriage. I've been mulling things over in my mind for a few weeks now for a couple of reasons. One, my wife found a religious blog post where the author basically debases marriage by making the wife a "moral prostitute." (Those are my words, not his). And two, some good friends of mine are in serious talks of divorce. I hate to see this happen (not that I place blame, it's just awful and heart-wrenching for all involved) and I wish I could talk with them without it being awkward. This has set me trying to figure out what marriage means to me as an institution and to me personally with my wife.
I believe that marriage is a God given institution in the purpose of helping us imperfect mortals to experience a myriad of emotions and situations in the hopes of bringing us closer to Him. Through marriage we learn love, sacrifice, forgiveness, humility, and service to name a few. Those are ones that stand out to me. We learn to put someone else above our self (not in all things or all the time, for the Apostle Paul said, "Be ye not unequally yoked." 2 Corinthians 6:14).
The leaders of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints wrote a one page statement on the importance of family. In there it defines roles for husband and wife, but not as containers to place them in, but as stewards with the necessary authority and responsibility to ensure those roles are filled. There are many times in my life where I have done things that are stereotypically a woman's job and I continue to do things that are "Mom's work." I change diapers, wash dishes, watch kids so my wife can get out of the house, etc. I do it because it needs done and because I love my wife. And my wife does things that a man would typically do. The point is we share the work and don't quibble about who should be doing what. If we see something needs done we do it or we politely ask for help. We make mistakes, drop the ball, frustrate each other and forgive in the process, too.
I like how my wife explained marriage. She said that marriage is the closest thing we can come to the love Jesus has for everyone. His love is true and complete for every individual. He was able to show devoted (undivided, attentive, and fully present) love for those he was with. My thoughts turn to Jesus weeping with Mary and Martha over the loss of their beloved Lazarus. But for us, our love is not perfect. Marriage allows us to love as Jesus loves, but to a much smaller audience, namely your spouse.
I think the challenge with marriage is managing expectations. People change, situations change and we all come from different family situations (where we learn about marriage, or one version of marriage) and this all adds to the complication. Because of this it is easy to become disillusioned and upset that marriage doesn't match up to your mind's eye. We need to learn to communicate truthfully without fear of judgement. Then we begin to understand one another and love in the way your spouse needs.
This requires patience and a willingness to make mistakes, be disappointed, and get upset. As we learn to work together, we appreciate one another and the effort you are making together. This is what I think makes a marriage beautiful and worthwhile.
This was an important topic with a great opening joke. Very thought provoking - something all of us should be thinking about.
ReplyDeleteI've been thinking about it a lot, but not in any formal sense. I'll spare you where my head is at currently. But I've come to have a more secular and sometimes sociological and historical view of marriage. Again, there's a lot of terminology there I'd have to suss out, but suffice it to say my own marriage seems to fly in the face of these views that are emerging in my head.
This comment is nonsense so I'll just say it's nice to have your voice in my ongoing attempts to make sense of this institution.
I'm the guy who made the post you and your wife don't like. You're right--that's not my term, I don't like it, and I don't think anything I propose connects to prostitution.
ReplyDeleteMy post was perhaps too brash and blunt about a subject that should be sacred and respected. I expressed it very plainly because I'm frustrated about the many failed and unhappy marriages I know, and others who never get married because of their fear of the misery they've seen in other marriages.
I share your views about marriage, sharing the work, and developing Christlike love.
As you ponder your friend's divorce, here's a quote to consider:
"Divorces often occur over sex, money, and child discipline. If you study the divorces, as we have had to do in these past years, you will find there are one, two, three, four reasons. Generally sex is the first. They did not get along sexually. They may not say that in the court. They may not even tell that to their attorneys, but that is the reason. (The Teachings of Spencer W. Kimball, p.312-314)"
I worry that this situation has become exacerbated since President Kimball's comments in the 1970s.
@Strong Man - Thank you for your comment. It's nice to know that other people are concerned with the growing number of problems facing marriage today.
ReplyDeleteRegarding your post (which I see you have removed). I understand that written communication will always fail us to some degree as it's not real time and we miss non verbal cues, etc. So please forgive me if I misrepresent you or misunderstand. After reading your post, I feel that you make out the main purpose of marriage to be about men getting an sanctioned outlet for their sex drive. And that it is the wife's responsibility to facilitate that even if she doesn't want to. I don't agree that wives are to "give" themselves at all times and neither does Brent A. Barlow (Liahona article: http://lds.org/liahona/1987/06/they-twain-shall-be-one-thoughts-on-intimacy-in-marriage?lang=eng) He writes: "Some mistaken ideas come from mistaken interpretations of biblical verses. In Ephesians 5:22, for example, women are encouraged to “submit” to their husbands. Some have erroneously interpreted this scripture to mean that women are to yield themselves to their husbands even if they do so unwillingly. Under these conditions, intimate expressions would not promote marital oneness."
I agree that sex is an important part of marriage that brings man and woman together in ways that are unattainable anywhere else. But there's more to it than sex and I don't think that it's the main purpose of bringing a man and woman together in marriage.
I, too, am concerned about the effects of the many troubled marriages. I think the unhappiness, as it relates to problems with intimacy, is caused by the lack of sex ed or the approach to sex that the general LDS culture has (and perhaps in similar ways that the rest of Americans have). In that same article, Brother Barlow (He's not a church leader, but a retired BYU professor on family and marriage) writes about the importance of open communication about sex between the wife and husband. "Partners...often feel uncomfortable discussing this intimate subject. And they sometimes assume that their intimate relationship should just “naturally” work out and that to discuss it means something has gone wrong. This is simply not true."
A lot of problems would be avoided if we weren't so awkward towards martial intimacy generally as a culture and specifically as couples.
Yeah, Ben, you should totally just tell them that the reason they're getting divorced is that they're sexually incompatible. That would be really un-awkward and I'm sure they'd be able to ignore their actual issues and get back together just because this total stranger knows the inner workings of their minds. :-)
ReplyDeleteI love your post, BTW. I'm so glad I married you.
Well said Ben. You are a good guy. I'm glad Emily married you to :)
ReplyDelete